1. When you go to the bathroom and there are multiple urinals without separative panels between them just stare straight ahead or straight at your dick. I know you’re not gay, and it’s cool if you are, but no one wants to think some other dude is trying to scope his piece in there.

2. Also, don’t be that weird Asian guy who won’t go until there is a one urinal gap. If you have to stand next to another guy just do it. We’re all men and men have to piss sometimes.

3. You don’t have to wash your hands unless you pee on them. Your dick is cleaner than your hands. It stays protected in your pants 90 percent of the time while your filthy hands are out grabbing disease ridden door knobs and exposed to the disgusting world. You should actually wash your penis after you touch it. And if some square in an Eddie Bauer fleece says, ‘Uh, aren’t you gonna wash your hands?’ tell him to go fuck himself and then kick a trash can over if there is one near by.

kapi:

Here is a brief list of what every dude should do in the hours before a date with a lady (sorry gays, I dunno what a dude should do before a date with a dude, but probably the same thing.) This is in no particular order:

• Wear clean clothes.
• Smell good, but smell like a man.
• Take a goddamn shower.
• Actually wash yourself in that shower.
• Put on awesome records during all of this.
• Be clean.
• Be on time. Don’t keep a girl waiting, that’s what they do. They keep you waiting. Don’t return that favor.
• Smile.
• Laugh.
• Try to kiss her at least once. Don’t be a baby. No one likes a baby.
• It’s totally okay to have a beer or two before you meet up.
• Don’t get too drunk while out. It’s cool if she does; it’s sloppy if you do.
• Even if you live in a big city, get the fuck over to her place and pick her up and take a damn car, don’t be a dumbass. Don’t “meet” somewhere. Go the fuck over there and pick her up. Jesus.
• Remember those jams you had on earlier? Keep them spinning in your head.
• Don’t talk too much. I always have this problem. Listening is not lame.
• Actually listen when she talks.
• Put your arm around her or something. Christ, stop being a baby.
• If they offer to pay, remember that it’s 2009, not 1957. Also, recession. Dutch is totally kosher these days. Pay on the first date even if she offers.
• Always have something in mind for after dinner or whatever you’re doing. Not always sex, but something. That also could be an out.

I think that sums it up. It’s a lot of common sense, but common sense is usually what separates cool dudes from douchebros. Nobody likes douchebros.

[via krispayne (about 6 months ago, still valid today)]

Jerk off like 8 times (some of these can be on the date, excuse yourself by saying, ‘I have to powder my nose’, very classy).