Hey ladies, doesn’t it totally suck when you go number 2 and the water level is too high and the tip of your penis dips into the water and it’s all cold and weird feeling? Me too.
Er, I mean, don’t you hate when the sanitary napkin disposal box in the stall you’re in is all smelly?
Some of you may remember when I was offered a job at Zumiez (get a life!) towards the end of summer and they dropped the ball and never followed through. I was pretty pissed off because I needed the money and it’s been difficult finding employment.
I now work at Express. Today, however, the manager from Zumiez leaves me a guilt-ridden voicemail apologizing and asking if she can buy me a coffee and discuss still working there, yadda yadda yadda. She really wants to make up for screwing me.
So, I’m going into this ‘meeting’ as if it’s a huge negotiation. I’ma get paid, motherfuckers. I’m gonna make this work for me. Work, work, work it out.
I FEEL LIKE JACK DONAGHY!
(Won’t it be cool when I’ll be negotiating things I’ve written and cared about instead of minimum wages at the mall? LOL I DON’T WANT TO KILL MYSELF RIGHT?)
I was born 52 minutes before my twin sister Kelly. I remember in the womb pushing her out of the way, holding her back with my feet so I could be born first. My older brother says that I’m a liar- that I couldn’t possibly remember doing that. What does he know? He’s not as smart as I am. I was stronger and smarter than Kelly. Always was, always would be. It wasn’t her fault, but I never let her forget that I was older and better than her. Then in the summer of 1992 it happened. It. My family and I were on some lame “Safari Adventure” in Springfield, Illinois. Basically, you drove around this fake jungle and got to look at some elderly lions and tigers. There might have been other animals, I don’t remember. I do remember, however, telling my brother’s friend the story of my birth where I pushed past Kelly and won the race of life. Before I had got to the part where I was smarter than her, Kelly screamed, “Oh shut up! What is your problem?” and stormed out of the car. Mother rolled down her window and yelled for Kelly to get back in. “What a dummy.” I thought. “Those security guards are going to arrest her!” Unfortunately, no security guards got to her before a lion did. We watched her get ripped apart for nearly 5 minutes before a man came with a shotgun and got the lion off her. Mom cried and cried. My brother cried. My brother’s friend cried. The security guards cried. I didn’t cry because it wasn’t my fucking fault. Survival of the fittest, bro. Survival of me.
what’s fucking great about cultural gentrification is, like, fifty years ago i’d have to go to Appalachia to bang chicks like Joanna Newsom. and even then i’d have to arm wrestle a bearded guy for her under a full moon while the whole village clapped.
now all i have to do is hop on a train to Brooklyn and PRESTO. i’m *THIS* close to moving out there and just putting a bottle of Charles Shaw and a Smiths record on the end of a fishing pole and dangling it out my window.
This woman’s butt is significant. And haunting.
Memories…
Well, when I saw this on my dashboard a few mornings ago, I was still beary-eyed and half-awake. I had to lean in closely to see if this was us or not.
I really love that we did things like this as teenagers.
WEIRD. I didn’t know ‘forking’ someone’s lawn was a thing. One time Sean and I stumbled out of my house, ridiculously stoned, to walk to the gas station. We passed my neighbors forked lawn and my mind got blown. I just stared at it. What. Is. This? We had no idea.
Anarchy means I litter.
We’ve got another T-Shirt for sale!
For all the ultra music geeks out there: A Beach Boys/Black Flag mashup. If you’ve always liked hardcore punk but you really dig the oldies a bit more (or vise-versa!), than this is the shirt for you. Click on over to Miss Wit T-Shirts to purchase one! There’s also this other Beach Boys shirt for sale based on my Pop Cultural Chart!FUN FACT: Both of these bands started out with 5 miles of each other in the outskirts of southern Los Angeles!
My two favorites in one! Great job Dan.
ILL.
